Who Are You?

I realised that I haven't written here for a while. And I also realised how much I have missed it!

I used to write in here and in my diary every day or so, this has somehow whittled down to a few months at a time - no wonder I feel depressed and stuck in a rut!

In the last few years I have discovered that I have somehow lost myself along the way. I have been trying to piece the pieces of various parts of me back together for sometime it seems. I didn't like who I had become in some cases, and trying to figure out who I was with/without certain people just did my head in!

It's taken me me a while to realise that this really is my world, and I do NOT need to dance to other peoples tunes to be happy. I can be me, just me.

But... Who am I?

I can't think of just a generic thing about me, so I have come up with things that I know is me:

• I am Toni.
• I enjoy being around other people - I can't function when I am all by myself for long periods of time. I survive off other peoples energy.
• I have some body issues. But I love my eyes and my hair. Everything else I can work with - most of the time anyway :-P
• When I have a relationship, be it family, friends or "that special someone" it is very important to me. It takes a while for me to show someone who I really am, and for me to trust them. If I get shot down too much for wearing my heart on my sleeve - I back away, but I am still their friend, just not as close as they could be... But once I have shown you who I really am - You're a friend for life.
• I wear my heart and my life on my sleeve.
• I don't hold grudges - I let be said what I need to, or step away and let things cool for a bit.
• I don't like conflict and this is part of my problem as I sometimes don't stand up for myself, I'm not stubborn enough, possibly - but when it comes down to it, if I have to I stand up for what is important and what I believe in. I leave the energy of the fight for what I truly believe is right.
• I am very forgiving - sometimes too forgiving...
• I love to talk and meet new people... even if it scares me sometimes...
• On the flip side, sometimes I like to just listen to people who are more experienced in different areas then me (I hesitate to say 'smarter') as I like to learn new things...
• I love to write...
• I love to draw...
• I love to dance...
• I love to sing... (although I'm not very good at it!)
• When I find a job, or a task that I love (or feel in the mood to do) I give it my all - the downfall is, that sometimes I fall SO deep into it, that I forget about what else or who else is in the world around me momentarily... it's not personal, but some think that I am selfish etc - this hurts, but can keep me humble.
• At times (No, not ALL the time) I don't mind being the focus of attention - I do love to share it though, and have as much fun with the people around me -I just need to be reminded of a few things. (my closest friends know just how to do this and bring me back to earth and humble and for that I am grateful.)
• Some people think that I am lazy - no, that is not the case - I just don't know what to do with myself. I need my day filled with something to do, if I have a gap without a list of things that need doing -I don't feel motivated to do anything. I sometimes need the motivation from other people, but more of a teaching-cheerful-fun kind of way. When I know what I am doing, I am at my happiest and most productive!
• I learn differently then others, I don't always know how, but sometimes I have to ask the same question or be taught the same thing three different ways - I am a fast learner, but this makes it stick more and gives me better confidence!
• I work and live better socially - but I am human, I do need time out by myself at times...
• I am afraid of heights! But. I have found out a VERY cool way to help me with this - where ever I am, if its a building, a mountain or the roof of a house... the first thing I do is dream up scenarios of how I will escape from where I am - and it really takes my mind of things with the creativity! :-P
• I am pretty spontaneous at times, and I sometimes act (or more often then not - speak) without thinking. Another thing my friends are good for - they help keep me on track and think through things properly...
• I may be spontaneous, but when I have something that I need to get through, I tend to analyse things by looking at the bigger picture...
• I am very concerned sometimes about what I do, what I have done and what I might/will do in the future and how it will affect others, not only myself... I am sometimes far too analytical...
• I try to use as many metaphors as I can as I prefer to be as descriptive and creative as possible whenever I talk to someone - unfortunately, when I am tired the "like" word has seemed to have squeezed itself into my vocabulary... I'm trying very hard to remove it!
• I like structure, BUT I don't like getting stuck with the same old thing all the time... I need change, something new to look forward to.
• I am very creative, in more ways then one, and I can become very bored and sometimes even depressed if I don't have a chance to express myself in these ways.

So who am I?

I am Toni