Letter She Wrote...

If you could write a letter to 16 year old you - what would you write?

Here is my letter:

Dear Toni,

Hey Sweetie - It's me, - You at age 22.

Yes, you have survived past your 21st birthday - I know there was a time there where you thought you wouldn't. But you did it - and there is still life for you on this side of the fence. I know that right about now, mum and dad have moved you to the farm, and you feel - away from your friends. But they have done it with the best intentions - they didn't know how to handle what happened to you anymore then what you did. What happened will still be in your thoughts from years from now - there will be tough times ahead, choices to be made and friends to lose and find again. But you will always have friends to help you through it all, even if you have to go it alone at times.

I want you to know now - Don't be afraid of change. Things will whether you are ready for them or not. Embrace the changes - embrace the farm, you will not regret it.

Now, I will not tell you to keep up with your studies - cause I know that you won't listen to me. Instead, keep on writing and keep on smiling! Write your feelings down, find that special place. Write as much as you can - this is what makes you happy. Smile, even when you are sad and life is treating you unfairly - smile anyway. People may say things that hurt, don't let them get to you. Just Keep on smiling and it will get you through the day.

I wish for you to be happy and to keep your imagination alive. Cherish your feeling for the rain, the sun, the elements and the seasons around you. There is still magic in this world and you will see it.

About the boys - RELAX! They are just human beings, though at times, they may seem like a completely different species... Treat them like friends, as if you fixate on them, you'll scare them off! But it's not you - it's the way you are acting. Just be yourself and it will work out. I do have to warn you though, even if you act yourself, you will still get hurt, that is life. Don't be afraid to get hurt - it is a lesson and better in the long run. You still have a long way to go in that department - but hold on and I'm sure that you will be fine!

Expect the unexpected. - leave your mind open to possibilities. You may be shocked to hear this - but you love Surprises! "Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!" - this may mean nothing to you now, but in a few years you'll be laughing!


Be patient. It's a simple as that. Everything doesn't have to happen now. When your patient, believe it or not - things can happen faster then when you are not. Listen more. Stop talking and listen to what others have to say - seriously! (you still struggle with this at age 22, but you are getting better!) If you try this thing called listening, you will learn more in the long run...

Two more things before I go - Keep asking questions no matter how silly you think they are... you'll be surprised at how many others are thinking the same thing, and how much information you can receive from just one simple question. AND - read "Persuasion" by Jane Austin. You'll see why and you'll love it!

Keep your head up and don't change for anyone but yourself - you don't have to justify everything you do, as long as you are happy with it, no one else has to be. :-)

Love forever sweetie,

Toni

Under the Tuscan Sun

This has turned out to become one of my favourite all time movies. I remember exactly how I found this wonderful movie. I have yet to read the book, although it is on my list of books to read – the movie was enough to suffice my feelings at the time. For someone who finds it hard to just get on with life when you are at the bottom of the wheel of fortune this movie the best pick-me-up. This movie shows that no matter what happens in your life, you can always make something of it. It also shows that what you want and wish for you do receive; only not always in the way you expected. Hope plays a key factor here. No matter who or what you believe in, it is always there, it is human nature to believe in something - to hope.

Buying something on impulse is not always my thing. I will window shop, and think about it. If I have the money and would like it I do consider buying. But if I have bills to pay – I let it wait for another day. This movie however there was something different about it. I heard a brief but touching review on the radio and in my heart I decided before I had even rented or watched it that I would buy it the first chance I got. I guess that is why this movie means so much to me. Francis, the main character did the same thing – only with a house, and it most fitting for me to own this beautiful masterpiece.

I love the sense and the symbolic plot of her building the house, and her life from the ruins – the bottom up. How she still had things go wrong, but she overcame them. Movies like this are enough to keep me going. And help me realise that when I hit rock bottom there is still a way to build it back up again, just with new and different foundations.

A quote that I really appreciated was “Always maintain your childish innocence” sometimes you can forget this thought. If you remember to stay by that quote and think of what magic there is still in this world – something as simple as a butterfly, or a ladybug- If you stay still enough and wait... the magic will find you.

So remember that when times are tough and you feel everything that you are standing on crumble and fall – you are not left with nothing, you just need to find the new area to build your foundations. You will always have them there; they are deep within your heart. All you have to do is find them, be patient and you will discover the beauty of this world. Material things do not matter, but people, life and feelings do.

Whenever you find yourself lost, find your own space – it doesn’t have to be outside, it could be with a crowd, on your own or with a close friend. Nothing is as bad as it seems, and you can always find a new place to build and grow. You will always be growing and changing with the seasons – no matter where you are in the world, what status you hold, how much money you have or who you are – you are always changing, growing and adapting to the world around you.

Mission Completed.

Noticing the oasis within metal structures: 1 Day.





Talking constantly about oasis: 1 Week +





Deciding on mission: 1 Month.





Staring outside wistfully at said oasis: 1 Year





Completing mission on one sad confusing day during my lunch break?

Priceless!

I first noticed this garden outside my work window approx 18 months ago. I was looking outside and the rooftop garden was bathed in sunlight. I asked my co-workers and anyone else that I could think of - including people that work in the same building that hosts the garden - if they knew of a way into the garden. I was disappointed to find out that no one knew if it was accessible to the public. I tried to find out more, to no avail.

Faced with the prospect to being able to only stare out the window at this diamond in the rough, I made a plan, a mission if you will. I decided that by the end of this year, I would find a way into this garden - under any means necessary! (legal as possible of course! lol)

Then the time period of late January to early March took hold and turned my world upside down. (I do not care to disclose it here yet - my life is still recovering from the effects and I refuse to let it get to me - there is more important things in life to worry about.) About a week ago, I was having a 'down day' nothing seemed to go right, and even though I knew it wasn't my fault - I still felt bummed that I couldn't do anything about it. I received some bad news, which I think could have started it off - But I had lunch with a friend and after cheering me up told me of a way into the garden...

I was thrilled! I couldn't wait to get back to work to tell everyone but I had to see if this was too good to be true...

This is me in the garden - you can see my building in the background - PROOF that I have found it!

This one small accomplishment on this day - cheered me up greatly, it reminded me that I still have hope - even if the day started out as it did. Everyone tells me that I do, and I know this is something that I need to work on... but THIS is life and what is it without it's ups and downs? :-p

I've found my garden

My sanctuary from the world

It's hidden away

But within full view

I've found an oasis

In the middle of chaous

Between the steel trees

That I so often see.

Although the garden wasn't exactly what I expected flora-wise it was still a fairly neat discovery. While I was exploring the garden I came up with a few more missions to attempt this year...

* Design a new garden - layout and/or just different flowers.

* Find a way out onto the viewing decks in each high buildings in Auckland City.