Changed

I grew up in the Suburbs. Where we had a fairly decent sized backyard, and all the neighbours were close enough to talk to over the fence as you hung the washing out. You could walk to your friends or neighbours house over in the next street without any problems of traffic. If you needed some milk, all you needed to do was walk to the end of the street and buy some from the corner dairy, if you found out that you needed something else - no biggie - just walk back there when you needed it! You could walk to school or catch a bus into Henderson or Westgate to watch a movie with your friends. This is what I had grown up with and what I had grown used to.

When I was 16 my parents decided to make the big move into the country. At first I was quite resentfull that they had taken me away from my friends, and means of transport - I couldn't just walk anywhere or catch a bus anymore... I had to ask for a lift - to the bus stop, and even then it had to work in with them. In the country it was different - you still had your neighbours, but you didn't see them over the fence. You didn't have any problems of traffic, as there was only the land owners cars that traveled the road. If you ran out of milk, you went up to Helensville to collect not only the milk, but this time you took a list of at least 5 items (to make up for the gas) and you didn't just buy just one bottle. "Town" didn't mean Auckland City - it was hick slang for Henderson. That is where you did your monthly shopping expeditions. And the mail box was still at the end of the driveway, but a 10 minute walk...

It was hard going, but I managed and eventually became to not only like, but love the country. For all the differences, I managed to experience life in a new way that I couldn't in suburbia - I got to experience the birth of new born lambs, and calfs, learn how to shovel hay, how to collect and pick fruit off of trees - which were alright for international and local markets, but there in the country I also learned to love so many things about my surroundings. I loved the quietness of the day, the peacefulness of the night, the vast wide open spaces - and the stars, or so many stars I couldn't get enough of them! I used to just sit out on the deck, or lay myself down in the garden among the fragrant flowers of the night and just count them, I didn't know the constallations...

But I still felt the wonder deep within me, making my own pictures up as I went along during the night.

Then one day, I had to leave. As most children do, you grow up and you go out flatting, and experience the world in the new light. I moved back to suburbia during my tech days, and eventually into the city when I got a job. My first time in the city walking around I felt so closed in and small from all the tall buildings surrounding me. This morning, as I was walking to work and glanced up at my building, I thought back to that moment, only a few years ago that I was so new to the city and to the attitude. I couldn't understand how people could live in boxes so close to each other and vowed that I never would. But 5 months ago - I did just that, move into one of these boxes. I felt so close and so new and thought that I would become the professional lady whom I've dreamed of coming.

But it was a lie, I lost contact with my family, missing out on all the little things and snitches of gossip, I couldn't sleep because of the noise, I stopped eating, and eventually I lost myself. I had a hard time with the loss, as so many other things were going on in my head, at work and bad memories were trying to haunt me. Over the course of 3 months my world cam crashing down on me and I didn't know how to pick myself up again... I made bad choices, and tried stupid things that I normally wouldn't have done. I was in a down ward spiral... with no way up. But then I met up again with some friends that I hadn't seen in a while - and if it wasn't for them handing my the ladder and the string to hang up the now decoration I may have never found a way out. For them I am grateful.

I have still had my bad times ahead of me, as life is not perfect, but a very good friend of mine told me yesterday

"You felt lost, because you hadn't delt with it before. Next time if this does happen again, you won't feel lost - you'll know where you are in an instant. You are different to others, as we all know you can't get lost, you stepped back when you realised something was happening, you didn't just let it happen to you and you made a stand"

If that is what my friends see, even though I find it hard to see, then I guess that this life that I have been living is worth while, that who I am and what others see is actually what I am wanting to be.

"...You removed a mask and I liked what I saw..."

I like the thought of this, as I have tried so hard to make a difference in my life and be different from the others that I see who are just giving up.

Today when I looked up at this building that I now work in, I didn't feel lost, but changed. I have changed so much from the poor little country girl who grew up in the 'burbs. Of the naive young lady who thought that just putting on mask of the city would make her a city dweller. I realise now that it is not true. That no matter what I do I could never be one of those people who live in boxes. Here I am about to move out of one box in the city into another one, in the burbs - at least this time it is away from the noise, and this place feels different. I will get there to my own house, and this is for a while yet. I still have bills to pay, but this time round I am going to do things different. I have a plan, and I am going to enjoy myself in my new home, not loose who I am and try to be someone I am not.

The country will always have a peice of my heart, the city will always hold my memories, but now it is time for me to find out who I really am... and that will be worth it.

"Hey, hey- I'm not giving up, no

Gonna stand up and shout

no way im not slackin off or backing out or cracking up with doubt

I'm workin' it out out"